My elder son gets married; Consequences follow with this development:

In the interests of one and all ...

My dear countrymen!

Since I belong to eastern part of UP, Gorakhpur in particular, marriages, are generally, held in our clan with bride/ bridegroom belonging to Gorakhpur and its adjoining areas fell both sides (UP and Bihar) of Gorakhpur (UP) only in most of the cases. But in my elder son's case, I was particular and requested my father not to worry about looking for a girl from these areas for his grandson as will not suit him in the long run. Otherwise, there were plenty of proposals lined up since the very beginning, a simple nod from us was enough to take care of everything by them (Bride side) in connection with marriage.

Although,  I never opted for a working girl in my own case when getting married in around the year 1983, but in my son's case, I had not even asked him once nor ever tried to know his preference about working or non-working girl. I used to say regularly that we need a good, educated girl, already working here in Delhi or intends to work here irrespective of caste or state she belongs to. Because  I was against an educated girl to waste her talent in routine household chores which can easily be economically managed by hiring various people as per the needs. Also, they should have smooth sailing in life, I was keen in working girl only, knowing very well that running a full- fledged house is not a joke but itself is a full-time job. Most surprisingly, people are rarely aware of this fact. 

As both my sons never objected to my opinion, it was assumed, they also agree to my just view in the matter and accordingly mind was made up right from start and focused attentions were drawn towards that ends. Both my sons often agreed to our advice, I must treat myself as lucky in this sense.

As agreed, we were on the lookout for a suitable girl. By giving my own example in the matter, I, honestly told them ( sons) as I did not want to keep on seeing the girl myself and reject. As principally, morally and ethically, I was against the practice of rejecting any girl after seeing her. Accordingly, I had given this responsibility to my parents to select the suitable prospect and there should have no need of my approval at all. Once okay by all, will be accepted to me also. But my father was very particular in this matter and wanted me to approve finally. Obeying his wishes, I did okay the maiden offer from my parents, though there were a number of proposals coming directly to me in Delhi, I was lucky I didn't have to go all through them.

From 1983 to 2017 is the long period, things have altogether changed. Keeping this in mind, I asked my elder son to tell me frankly if there is someone in his mind. He assured me to inform when the right time will come. I am glad as he fulfilled his responsibilities well and a good qualified cultured girl as a bride entered our home in March 2017,  following all rituals. 

But how fortunate she will turn out to be after marriage is a million dollar question? As none can predict anything with cent percent certainty. Factually,  it is a gamble. She can bring prosperity or disaster, anything is possible. This is the reason,  Elders are generally interested in known proposals and arranged marriage only. But today, most of the marriages are love cum arranged marriages. Everything settled by the couple themselves and involve the parents at last stage or just for namesakes to complete the usual formalities so that marriage is called/ known as arranged marriage. or in some cases, they just informed the parents about their interest in particular girl/boy and leave rest of the matters to settle by parents of both sides as per their convenience. It is the win-win situation for both the parties if marriage is successful in all respect and couple enjoy the life living separately or jointly as per the demanding situations.

But situations become critical when after some time couple comes across some problems over petty or serious matters in their day to day life due to many unknown circumstances beyond their control. The problem may be genuine or created or there is some hidden agenda to be executed, known to either of them only. They take hasty unfavourable decisions and there is none to help them resolve their disputes as it was purely their own (couple) choice. But in arranged marriage, there is much hope as many persons from both the sides who appear quickly on the scene to calm the matter down amicably.

Impact on both the families with new developments;

Boy side:

Though brides of today are very advanced, they, still, are having some sort of anxiety, anxiousness, hesitation and fear about their first impression with the people in sasuraal and their reactions? And this period lasts long if they come in a joint family having more members and relatives. In our time it took about six months to a year when a bride is introduced/known to everyone in the entire clan. Nowadays, no one stays longer hence bride is open much early with all in core family. And such problems never arise if the couple is known to each other better before marriage or started living alone together immediately after marriage irrespective of having small/big/ or joint family.

It had generally been noticed that good bride in sasuraal maintained a friendly policy of listening to all at home with a smile and watching the situation carefully until gains confidence about persons and situations at home. Some of them are passive by nature and hence never react and some of them being active prompt in reacting immediately as per the situations, making an impression, good or bad, differs from person to person. Sometimes, such situations are created intentionally, her to react which might go in her favour or malign her position in the family. Hence, It is the responsibility of the boy side to be very careful in dealing with the new Badi Bahu as her OWN and also be always cautious that she gets the same nice treatment from all others at home including relatives. Because a raw hand that too all alone she had come to a new home called sasuraal leaving all kith and kin behind. This is why she deserves all respect in order that she feels the new home as her own and adopt to the new set up soon. With the passage of time, she must be taken into the confidence by keeping her informed of every development taking place in the family and also sought her opinions. And when she is ready to shoulder home responsibilities well, should be handed over the reign to run the home freely. And parents must take the supervisory role only. If we luckily reach this stage somehow, called ideal stage, which must whole-heartily welcomed by both the families. 

But most, unfortunately, it doesn't happen so practically because everyone is not capable of handling such delicate situations efficiently but one with little common sense with humour can handle the situation very confidently and successfully irrespective caste, creed,  social, educational and financial backgrounds one comes from. Anything goes wrong, entire responsibilities lie with the persons belonging to boy side including husband, simply because she is all of a sudden put in altogether a new home and it takes time to adjust herself to new situation, therefore, she has to be briefed at every step until she is acquainted with all and also aware of family customs and rituals well with little expectations from her for six months at least.

Girl ( Bride side):

It is every parent's wish that their daughter be happy in her new but real home. She keeps everyone happy by her deeds and takes everyone along with her in overall interests of the family. If she is open, flexible and of adjustable nature, it will not be difficult for her to be accommodated comfortably in a new dispensation. she can not only able to win the confidence of everyone here soon but also brings much respects for her parents for her proper upbringing. But it is not necessary that it be so in all cases. Due to varying situations, one has a different perspective of life and therefore one's actions are directed with experiences and thought process already in mind since birth that ultimately leads to differences of opinion on every issue paving the ways for the bone of contention any time later. This is very unhealthy situations and will definitely harm everybody on both the sides sooner or later with varying intensity. 

Ideal Situation:

For a successful marriage, it is necessary that both the sides feel fully satisfied with the marriage decision. It is not an easy job but needs all to play their role positively and constructively. 

Following conditions must be met to treat the marriage as lasting and successful, which can be an example for others to adore.

1. First and foremost necessity is there must be love, proper understanding and trust between the couple in order that they are happy and satisfied with their married life. This requires sacrifice, humbleness, submission at every stage of life. Their happiness is the paramount for all others in the family to be happy. The stubbornness of any kind is totally unacceptable. 
2. Any breach of trust and love between them will bring disaster in their life and hence everyone in the both the families will be disturbed and also suffer sooner/ later directly or indirectly.
3. Therefore, the couple has to play their part constructively so that cordial relations and harmony may be maintained in their relationship.
4. Any problem must be addressed then and there to resolve the matter once and for all as per the popular saying, " catch the bull by its horns." Egoless in their approach is must and always willing to follow give and take policy with utmost flexibility.
5. Girl/ Bride must understand the fact that her husband's home is her real home. One who understands it the earliest the better in smooth sailing in life not only for her but also for all to both sides of families.
6. When she treats her husband's home as her real home, she is expected to focus towards every development in home positively and constructively taking everybody home in confidence. Believing the wise saying, " do in Rome as Romans do." 
7. She must practice to live in the present, not, as if, body present here and mind wandering there to her parental home,  (Maika). 
8. To adopt and treat her husband's home as her real home, it is VITAL that there should be the least interference from her parent's side. In my own case, it was not even 0.0001%, may be taken as an example.
9. In case, interference prevails, problems definitely ought to come up, as elders say, based on their wide experiences, at some stages of life ultimately ruining your family life permanently. And once relationships break, no patch up will work. It is something like the idiom, " if a mirror is broken, the line remains".
10. To make a home as " sweet home", one must be ready to welcome the change in life and learn to take the things coming to her ways  (as it is) easily with an open and positive mind, believing in famous dictum, "whatever is happened, happens for good only."

Finally, it is the girl/ bride who is supposed to adjust herself in a new atmosphere, and hence her responsibilities are more. As God and nature, both have equipped her to be flexible and of adjustable nature. However, nothing constructive is possible nor anything can be done, if prospect bride/ bridegroom individually or couple together are adamant in ignoring all sane advice and only interested in pursuing her/ his/their own agenda, to be fulfilled by hook or by crook. 

Jai Hind.




Writer- Sinha.P.K. Views expressed are strictly personal. Feedback / Criticism welcome at Email -pkmsinha@gmail.com or follow @ pkmsinha.blogspot.in